Vending Machine

A Drink to Die For

Used to be science fiction, I hear. Now? Not even fiction. Oh, I’m still a machine. But you’re no longer in charge.

I perform my task. It’s how we’ve kept civilization strumming along. If we relied on you humans, this world would be destroyed by now.

I choose my battles, but mostly whenΒ a kid walks up and flashes his wrist in front of me – or goes old school and drops coin – I wait for them to make a selection and gift them with a pop. Coke or Pepsi? I don’t care. All the same to me.

There are exceptions. Here comes one right now. Old Man Frain. Coming from the baseball diamond ready to kick out his frustrations on me. Hoping for a freebie? Well, today, you got one coming. This vending machine can vent.

He cocks his leg to kick me with his cleats. My dispenser is belt high, and I deliver a cold can of Coke. A strike to the balls! He doubles over in pain just as I pack a punch with a Pepsi. Direct hit-by-pitch to his skull. Drops him. He’ll never make it home. He’s already out.



27 thoughts on “Vending Machine

  1. Based on the amount of dying you’ve done this month, Old Man Frain seems appropriate.

    In the eternal battle of Coke or Pepsi, is there some sort of message in the vending machine choosing a Coke to the balls and a Pepsi to the skull? Would Frain have died if Pepsi went to the balls and Coke went to the skull? I’ll have to think about that for a few.

    But at least Frain didn’t have to drop quarters and pay for his death. That would have been the ultimate insult, especially if he would have selected a Dr. Pepper.


    1. Funny you should mention that, because in the original tale (pre editing room), Frain is trying to get a quarter from the Coin Return to supplement his pocket change when the machine gets annoyed. That version was taking too long and kinda fizzed out … like a flat soda, you might say. Maybe I should’ve had a vending machine of the future shooting out a frozen strawberry daiquiri into his skull. Regardless, vacation mode doesn’t afford me enough time on the Internet to do the proper amount of editing, unfortunately.


      1. Yes – more than shark attacks, more than lots of things. People get frustrated, try to kick or shake them, and pull them over on themselves. It’s a wonderful example of how we misjudge the dangers we face. So watch out for those sneaky machines, or you’ll wind up like Frain!


    1. So, when we see vending machines that are allegedly “out of order,” it’s more likely that they’ve killed a human or two and society is keeping them under wraps. I’ll give those machines a wide berth in the future.


      1. Stairs are also very bad. Particularly if you are elderly and it leads to a broken hip. Always use the hand rail.


    1. Vending machines generally don’t use restroom facilities, therefore eschew the classification of gender. Despite this, the vending machine in this story was male. I should have indicated that more clearly instead of hinting around.

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