ZOOKEEPER Natalie loved her job as much as she hated her boss, but Charles was 20 years from retirement, so she took matters into her own hands. When her experimental Platurtlepus used its tail to whack a groundhog into submission, Natalie knew she was on to something. A few early tests failed: Rhinoseal was just […]
YOGA INSTRUCTOR Detective Grossman gazed beyond Cheryl, focusing on something in the distance, maybe his retirement, and said “take me through the sequence one more time.” Cheryl nodded, knowing she’d skip the first part of the sequence when she found the text on her husband’s phone from his high school sweetheart. “Curt and I woke […]
Xylophonist Four cellos and two violas swayed in, and my anxiety soared knowing my moment was fast approaching. And her moments on Earth, this Madeleine, this French xylophonist, her remaining moments hung in the balance. Like Tchaikovsky before me, I would send the French to her deserved death, and the entirety of the percussion populace […]
Reader, you have an assignment following today’s piece. Stay tuned after reading. WRITER – Version 1 Ringmaster P.T. Ringling juggled bowling pins on his way toward the grandstand as the two-horned Unicorn loped off stage, the spotlight dimming with its exit. “Ladies and chain smokers,” P.T. barked over the catcalls, dodging an errant tomato from […]
VALET Jimmy the Valet had one thought about Mondays: Ugh! Last night, he went to park his first car of the evening, and ran the Tesla over the curb and into a fire hydrant. Realizing he had no time to lose, he sped off to Dent Wizard without looking and drove over a pedestrian. Jimmy […]
UPHOLSTERER The detective weighed the butcher knife in her hand as she weighed her Sergeant’s question, finally responding, “I keep a list of names.” “I don’t want a list, Reid,” the Sergeant barked, “I want one name and I want it on my desk when I walk into work in the morning.” They stood behind […]
Taxidermist Hunter welcomed the private investigator to a chair, said he’d put on some tea and answer the man’s questions. Asked his guest if he wanted something to eat, to which the investigator shook his head, said, “No thank you, I’m stuffed.” Under his breath, Hunter muttered, “You’re getting a little ahead of things, sir.” […]
SHOPLIFTER — Bernie, ready to move up in the world, planned one final shoplifting adventure before attempting his first B&E. Decided to kill two birds with one stone, taking the till from Barnegat Books on East Eleventh, and purloining the latest Donna Everhart bestseller at the same time. He helped himself to a hardcover at […]
REALTOR — Now 64, Carla was refurbished twice to keep her curb appeal and it kept the condo commissions coming. She didn’t appreciate meeting at eight-thirty in the evening, but the Conroy place hit eighty-five days on the market and she had a ninety-day contract. The updated realtor opened the door to 32-year-old Kevin, who could […]
QUARTERBACK The plan was simple: his team could still win, but by fewer than six-and-a-half points, the betting line at the sports book in Vegas. So when they were up 23-20 and about to march into the end zone from the 2-yard line, Frank knew it was time to call an audible. He’d take a beating […]
John Davis Frain 