Written by John Davis Frain

Back-to-School Flash Fiction: P.E.

Gym Class

(Editor’s note: Since I cut class once last week, we get an extra credit edition this week.)

Mr. Weeks, our gym teacher. Nobody knows which is higher: his age, waist size, or IQ. My money is on his belt.

We do the mile run today. Worst day of P.E. class. Except for basketball where I’ll get hitgym in the face with a ball two minutes after kickoff. Oh, and weightlifting. Eww, the smell. Combine week-old socks, my mom’s limburger cheese and a French whore’s perfume. Our school’s weight room.

Weeks blows his shrill whistle. Ugh! Sends everyone off like cockroaches. Butt Kiss hugs the inside lane and runs like it’s the Olympics. There’s a Butt Kiss in every school, right?

Weeks finally notices me standing in the shade.

“I’d like to join them, sir, but…” I hand over my note, which he stares at for five seconds before turning it the other direction.

His lips move as he reads. “You’re … what?”

“Shhh,” I admonish. “I’m in the Fitness Protection Program.”

He shrugs. “Well, yeah. I’ve heard a that. Okay.”

I’m an effing genius.

“Follow me,” he says. Yes! He’s gonna dump me off in the library. Hallelujah!

But he hands me a towel and spray bottle. “Clean the weight room.” He winks. “They’ll never look there for you.” Maybe Weeks isn’t as dumb as we think.

8 thoughts on “Back-to-School Flash Fiction: P.E.”

  1. Fitness protection plan…seriously? That is actually brilliant. I so hated PE back in the day, you know, back when Moses was a boy.

    I wrote a story round about 8th, 9th grade -can’t remember which. It was about a girl that blew up the gym so she wouldn’t have to go change in the locker room. Girls are meaner than boys in about 8 out of 10 cases. As you get murdered by your wife on a semi-regular basis, I guess you know that.

    I published the story, about 3300 words or so, in an old local rag that was forbidden to students and paid in copies of the magazine. I got sent to the principal’s office, my parents called in and actually had to explain that I had written the story instead of actually blowing up the gym. It turned out, that bit was ok, but I had used “foul” language – all seven of the words you couldn’t say on television back then- and published it in a periodical “children” my age should not be allowed to read. The rag, and I think that was the name the magazine, was mostly about music (punk, metal, stuff you didn’t hear much on top 40 radio) with a few odd stories here and there, very counter culture at the time. It didn’t last.

    I did, however, get out of PE. You know, they just couldn’t take the chance and I was on swim team, soccer team, softball team – I was getting plenty of exercise.

    Oh well, I totally love “Fitness Protection” – wonderful, much cleverer than girl blows up gym.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My two boys actually had a principal/coach in Junior High named Kenny Weeks (God rest him). So the story had some raison d’etre (or another French term meaning “reasonableness”) for me!
      Enjoyed it, as always.
      Senor Blanco

      Like

      1. That is too funny. I was just explaining to someone at my house not an hour ago that there’s gotta be at least one Mr. Weeks teaching gym class in every state. Cross off Illinois.

        Next!

        Like

    2. LOL! Elise, if I ever run into your daughter, I’m gonna spill the beans about that story. That’s a classic. In today’s world, you’d likely be suspended for a month.

      Oh, the things people will do to get out of PE class!

      Like

  2. The first clue that PE class was going to be a disaster was the basketball in your face after kick-off. Kick-off? Exactly how many classes did you skip? Perhaps you were actually playing football, since kicking the ball in basketball is a big no-no 😉

    … and cleaning the weights room? Oh, Mr Weeks got you good!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good catch, Joanne. You were supposed to catch that. Our main character, on the other hand, never would! As a basketball referee, I call a kicking violation about 120 times a season. But I’ll call a kickoff violation exactly 0 times. You also cannot punch the ball, but I usually only call that about once or twice a season.

      And yes, this round went decidedly to Mr. Weeks. We may not be finished dueling yet, though.

      Like

Comments are closed.